Caleb, Fjord, and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date
by Bob The Other Zombie
Summary: Caleb and Fjord try to get a moment alone. The rest of the gang interferes.


The first surprise of the night was just how good Caleb looked.

Not that it should've been a surprise. Caleb was an extraordinarily handsome man, even in his ratty brown coat that smelled like it hadn't been washed in years, and, also, this was their third date. Still, Fjord could barely believe how striking Caleb looked, with his long red hair pulled back into a small ponytail, wearing a blue button-down shirt Nott must've found. The blue played nicely with his bright hair, and brought out the depths of his eyes.

"You look nice." Fjord said as they sat down at the tiny table. He'd never been one to withhold compliments.

Caleb's eyes flicked down to the cloth napkin at his place."Thanks, so do you."

Fjord smiled, unfolding his own cloth napkin and placing it in his lap. "Thank you, that's very kind. Too bad Jester scheduled that group dinner for tonight, isn't it?"

"I don't mind missing it." said Caleb. "I'd rather be here."

* * *

Fjord grinned. "You know, Caleb, for someone quiet, you can be a real smooth talker."

"I meant that the others can be kind of loud but yes, that, too."

Fjord knew what he meant. It was partially why they hadn't told the others they were dating. When Jester had invited everyone out for a group dinner, they'd both come up with separate excuses, and left the group text she'd made for it.

Jester made a lot of group texts.

"So, third date." Fjord drawled, leaning forward.

"Third date." Caleb said with a smile.

"You know what they say about third dates?"

In the flickering candlelight, Caleb's eyes were dancing. "I think I've heard. Do you want to remind me?"

Fjord's grin widened, but just as he leaned forward-

"Hey, losers." Beau pulled a chair over to their table and slouched into it.

Caleb blinked at her. "Hey...Beau, what are you doing here?"

"Group dinner, right?" Beau had barely dressed up for the occasion, throwing on her nicest button up shirt over some dark jeans, and applying a fresh coat of eyeliner. "This is the place, isn't it?" She gestured around vaguely at the restaurant. "I thought this was the map coordinates Jester sent out."

"Yeah, yeah, this is the place." Fjord said, meeting Caleb's eyes. "You're just early."

"Fuck off, asshole." Beau said. "I'm hardly ever late. Why'd you get such a small table? Didn't you tell them they were six of us?" She twisted in her seat, examining the room. "It's not like they're busy..."

"Uh-"

"They must've misheard us." Fjord said. "Guess they thought it was just the two of us."

"Ha, that sucks." Beau said, leaning her elbows on the table. "So has the server been by yet? Jester promised to pay, so I wanna get some booze."

"I'll- I'll wave her down." Fjord turned in his seat, looking for the pretty woman who had taken their order. As he raised his arm, he met Caleb's eyes. Even without words, Fjord heard his question. _What the fuck are you doing?_

Fjord shrugged helplessly, as Beau grabbed his drinks menu and began examining it.

"Hello, gentlemen, Beau." Molly said, pulling a chair up to sit across from Beau. He smiled at Caleb and Fjord as he scooted his chair under the table. "Odd. I didn't think we'd be seeing you two for dinner tonight."

Fjord smiled pleasantly back. "We changed our minds. Didn't you get the text?"

"No, must've missed that." Molly said with a shrug. He glittered with jewelry tonight, making use of the majority of his piercings, even though the other, wealthier patrons of this restaurant stared. "I'm surprised Jester chose this place, aren't you? It's a little high-end for me. More like a place to take a date."

Fjord reflexively glanced over at Caleb, and cursed himself when Molly's smile widened.

"Damn, the wine is expensive here." Beau said, flipping a page. "What's supposed to be better, Spanish wine or Italian?"

"Argentinian." Molly said. "Their wine tastes like nothing you've ever had before."

Beau's eyes flicked up to him, suspicious. "Is that a good thing?"

"Of course." Molly said, and Beau's eyes narrowed as the waitress returned to their table.

"Oh, will these two be joining you?" she asked. "I thought it was just the two of you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're a group dinner." Fjord said. "We must not have said that at the front. We're under the reservation of Jester?"

"I thought the reservation was for skinkydoody?" Beau shook her head. "Ugh, who knows, you guys text too much, I don't read them."

"Clearly." Molly muttered, just loud enough for Fjord to hear.

As the waitress went through the house specials, Caleb bowed his head, focusing on something in his lap. A moment later, Fjord's phone buzzed. Fjord slipped it out of his pocket. A text from Caleb lit up his screen.

 _What do we do?_

Fjord held his phone as far under the table as he could. _Play along. Molly's not gonna say anything._ He shoved the phone back in his pocket, clearing his throat.

A second later, Caleb ducked his head again, as the waitress walked away from their table.

"Got an important text, Caleb?" Molly asked. Caleb looked up, flushing.

"Yeah, Caleb, don't you know you're not supposed to text at the table?" Beau said dryly, taking a sip of Fjord's water.

"Sorry." Caleb placed his phone back in his pocket. His eyes flicked around the table, anywhere but at Fjord. "Just checking when Nott is getting here."

Molly arched an eyebrow, but before he said anything, a loud female voice yelled, "Hey, you guys!"

Caleb squeezed his eyes shut. Fjord turned to see Jester pushing through the crowd, in an even frillier dress than usual, grinning. "The hostess told me no one had asked for the reservation yet, but I told her, I see them right there!" She stopped, eyes widening. "Wait, what are you two doing here? I thought you said you couldn't come to my group dinner."

"Oh, you didn't get our text?" Fjord asked. Caleb's shoulders tensed. "Uh, I mean, my text? We changed our minds."

Jester pulled out her phone, swiping it open. "No, the last text I got from you was two days ago when you asked if I could pick up toilet paper for you and said it was an emergency. I don't have any text about you coming tonight." She put her phone away and frowned at the table. "This table is too small."

"Yeah, it really is." Beau said. "Why'd you get us such a small table?"

"Oh, don't worry." Jester said. She dodged around a waiter to an empty two-person table nearby. "Excuse me." she said to the waiter. "Is anyone using this table?"

The waiter blinked at her, taken aback by the sheer frilliness of her dress. "Uh, no, ma'am- do you need help with-"

"No, I've got it, thank you!" Jester said, lifting up the table, tablecloth and all. The candle on the table wobbled back and forth as she carried it back towards the others. She nudged Molly with her foot until he moved his chair away. "There we go." Jester said, placing the table down next to the other table. She turned back to the waiter. "Can we get more menus and some more napkins too, please?"

The flustered-looking waiter nodded and hurried off towards the kitchen.

"Move, Molly." Jester said, dragging another chair from the empty space where the table used to be. Molly obediently scooted his chair over, giving her enough room to sit down. "How did you know which restaurant to come to?"

Fjord blinked, realizing she was addressing him and Caleb. "Pardon?"

"How did you know which restaurant to come to?" Jester said, eyes on him. "Cuz you left my group text before we decided where to go."

Molly hid a smirk by taking a sip of Caleb's water. Beau examined her reflection in her spoon, combing her fingers through her hair.

"No, you mentioned it to me." Fjord said, scratching his chin. "The other day, when we were- we were hangin' out, you know?"

Jester's eyes unfocused for a second, and she shrugged. "Oh yeah, I must have. I was pretty excited about this, you guys."

"Wait, then how did Caleb find out?" Molly asked innocently.

Caleb shrugged. "Nott told me."

"Told you what?"

Caleb flinched, and turned. Somehow Nott had managed to make her way through the crowd without any of them noticing. She grinned. "Caleb, I didn't know you were coming! Why didn't you give me a ride?"

Jester's eyes narrowed. Fjord cleared his throat. "Pull up a chair, Nott." he said, gesturing. "They didn't give us enough seats at this table."

"Okay, sure!" Nott said, grabbing a chair from a nearby table.

"Wait, you did not tell Caleb what restaurant we are going to?" asked Jester.

Nott glanced between Jester and Caleb as she sat down. "No, I didn't. He said he had other plans tonight. What happened to your other plans?"

Fjord twisted around in his seat, looking for the waitress. "Nott, Jester, do you want to order any drinks? She already took our orders, but-"

"Yeah, why didn't you give Nott a ride?" Beau said, setting down her spoon. "You always give Nott a ride everywhere."

The whole table looked at Caleb.

"Oh, there's more of you!" The waitress, blessedly, returned, with glasses of wine for Molly and Beau, and a scotch for Fjord. "Can I get any drinks for you?"

"'Scuse me." Caleb muttered as Nott and Jester turned their attention to the drinks menu. He stood, hurrying off towards the back of the restaurant.

After a moment, Fjord pushed back his chair and followed him.

* * *

After the chaos of the restaurant dining room, the quiet of the bathroom was a relief. Caleb hunched over a sink, splashing water on himself. When Fjord entered, he turned immediately, with the expression of a rabbit hiding from a fox.

"We have to figure out a game plan." Fjord said.

"Why did you follow me?" Caleb said. "We can't both be in the bathroom, that's suspicious!"

Fjord shrugged. "Thought you wanted to talk."

Caleb shook his head, looking back at the mirror, one hand pressed to his forehead. Fjord sidled up next to him, in the mirror beside him, and snorted. "Of all the restaurants for Jester to pick..."

"And us." Caleb said weakly, but he had a hint of a smile on his face.

"Think she did this on purpose?" Fjord asked. "That she found out somehow?"

Caleb shook his head again. "I wouldn't be surprised. Look, I've got an idea, but it's kind of crazy.

"I'm up for anything." Fjord said.

"Well..." Caleb pushed his hair out of his face. "We could just leave." Fjord squinted at him, and Caleb continued. "Look, the jig is up on us no matter what. But we know these people. We have a choice here. Either we make a big scene in this restaurant and probably get kicked out, or we go, and have a good rest of our date, and tell them afterwards. Just some calm before the storm."

Fjord scratched at the beginning of stubble on his chin. He knew exactly how loudly Jester would react if she found out about the two of them. "Might give us more time to come up with a better lie."

"Or that." Caleb said. "Also that."

"C'mon, then." Fjord said. The bathroom had a row of windows, high on the wall opposite the door. "I'll boost you up to the windows, you get them open?"

After a bit of maneuvering, Fjord managed to get Caleb on his back, and lifted him up towards the window. Fjord wasn't very strong, but he was tall. He could hear Caleb fiddling at the bottom of the window, trying to push it open.

Fjord's arms began trembling, and he grit his teeth. Sweat dripped down his forehead. "Is it opening?"

"Not yet." Caleb said, legs tightening around Fjord's shoulders. "Hold on."

Caleb's shifting around made it even harder for Fjord to hold him up. "I can't hold on much longer-"

"Evening, gentlemen."

Fjord closed his eyes. Of course Molly would choose that moment to go to the restroom. He didn't even need to turn around to see Molly's smirk.

"I think I see it, Fjord!" Caleb said above him. "I think I did drop my phone out there."

Fjord's shoulders shook, pain stabbing through his shoulder blades. "Great! I'm gonna put you down, now." He let Caleb down with a gasp of relief, and stretched, working out the pain in his back.

"How'd you drop your phone out the window?" Molly asked. He stood in front of one of the mirrors, reapplying his eyeliner.

Caleb laughed. "Oh, it just, uh, flew out of my hands. I wanted to make sure it wasn't broken."

"No, I mean, the window is painted shut." Molly said. "How'd your phone get out there?" He finished applying his eyeliner with a flourish, and capped the pencil, tucking it back in his pocket. "They're wondering what's taking you so long." Without another word, Molly turned and left, leaving Fjord and Caleb frozen by the window.

Fjord was the first to move, pacing towards the door. "Dammit!" he said. "Alright, what else can we try? I've got a makeup kit, we could swap clothes, disguise ourselves-"

"Not good enough. The front door's right past them, they'd notice." Caleb snapped his fingers. "Fake phone call."

Fjord laughed. "Fake phone call?"

"It's a cliche because it works." Caleb said. "You call me under the table, I say it's from our neighbor, that something's up with Frumpkin-"

Fjord paced back towards him. "And oh, I just happened to give you a ride here, so would I mind terribly, you know Nott wants to stay...perfect."

"Right." Caleb's eyes lit up with excitement. He began to walk past Fjord, towards the door. "Let's-"

"Wait." Fjord said, grabbing his bicep. He had a moment more to appreciate the excitement in Caleb's eyes before he tugged Caleb towards him.

It wasn't how he imagined their first kiss, hiding in a restaurant bathroom while concocting an elaborate scheme to evade notice by the others, but it was a good first kiss nonetheless. When Caleb pulled away, Fjord grinned. "Third date."

"Third date." Caleb repeated, chuckling. "Checked that box."

And honestly, Fjord could've stayed in there a bit longer, but Caleb had already turned towards the door. "Let's go." he said. "Give it a bit, and then call me."

"As you wish." Fjord rumbled, following Caleb out.

* * *

When they returned to the table, the wait staff had brought extra napkins and menus, as well as drinks for everyone. Fjord sat down, taking a long drink of his scotch.

"Fjord! Caleb!" Jester said. From the brightness of her eyes, she'd already taken several sips of her martini. "We thought maybe you both had gotten sick and were vomiting in there."

"Nope, we are completely fine." said Fjord, setting down his scotch. "Caleb just lost his phone."

"Was it out the window?" Molly asked.

"Out the window?" Beau said. "How'd your phone get out the window?"

Caleb chuckled. "I thought it might be, but it's not." He held up his phone, glancing at Fjord. "See? It's fine."

"Why are you looking at Fjord like that?" asked Jester.

"Like- like what?"

Jester took a gulp of her martini. "Like you guys have a secret. What's your secret?"

"Ooh, do you have a secret?" Nott asked excitedly. "I love secrets! Caleb, did you tell him about your secret lover?"

Caleb flushed red, from the tip of his nose to his ears, and ducked his head. Beau raised an eyebrow, and Jester's eyes widened.

"Or about that time with the burrito-"

"No, Nott." Caleb said. "I didn't tell him about the time with the burrito."

"You have a secret lover?" Jester burst out.

Nott nodded vigorously. "Yeah! He hasn't told me, but he keeps disappearing at nights, and you should see how long he takes to choose a shirt before he go! Caleb's never put that much thought into his appearance! Once he went without a shower for a week!" Nott broke off, smile fading a bit. "Oops, I shouldn't have told them that, should I? Or about the secret lover, or the burrito?"

Caleb buried his face in his hands and groaned something incomprehensible.

"I think that's a no." Molly said, sipping his wine.

"What's this thing with the burrito?" asked Beau. "Did you, like, eat it off the ground, or something?"

Fjord cleared his throat, loudly. "We should decide what we're gonna get to eat." he said. "Jester, Beau said you were payin'?"

"Wait, but Caleb, you look really nice now." Jester said. "Your hair's really nice and everything!" She gasped. "Were you supposed to meet your secret lover tonight?"

Nott gasped, and pointed at Jester. "He did spend a lot of time in front of the mirror before he left."

Jester gasped, even louder, pointing back at Nott. "So if he was supposed to meet his secret lover tonight, then that means-"

Fjord looked around desperately for the waitress. Where were the interruptions when he needed them?

"That he got stood up!" Nott said. "At this restaurant!"

"Stood up?" Beau repeated, raising her eyebrows. "But-"

"At this restaurant?" Molly traced the rim of his wine glass. "That's a big coincidence."

"Then he came to this restaurant to feel better!" Nott said. "And now he's here!"

Jester nodded vigorously. "And then- and then-" She pointed at Fjord. "Oh, wait. That still doesn't explain why Fjord said no and now he's here." She squinted. "What were your plans again, Fjord?"

"Am I the only one who wants to know what the burrito thing was?" Beau said.

Caleb still hadn't emerged from his hands, so Fjord latched onto the change in topic. "I want to know, too, honestly, but I don't think Caleb wants to talk about it. Why don't we all just figure out what we're going to eat before the waitress comes back, all right? I'm hungry."

That, finally, caught their attention. As they all examined their menus, Fjord placed his partially in his lap, and tugged out his phone, dialing Caleb's number.

On the other side of the table, Caleb's phone began ringing. Caleb answered with the urgency of a drowning man being thrown a rope. "Hello?"

"No phones at the table, Caleb!" Beau said, waving a hand at him. "Rude!"

"Hold on." Caleb said, putting a hand over his ear and leaning away from her. "What? Really? I'll- I'll be right there." He put his phone over the receiver. "I- I- I'm sorry, that was my neighbor, she thinks there's something wrong with Frumpkin-"

"Is that Yorda?" Nott said excitedly, taking Caleb's phone. "Hi, Yorda, how's it going?" After a moment, Nott frowned. "Yorda?" She looked at the screen. "Caleb, why is Fjord calling you?"

Caleb took his phone back, and hung up the call with a beep, clearing his throat. Fjord sunk slowly down in his seat, until the menu covered his face. The eyes of the entire table were on him.

"Fjord, why were you calling Caleb?" Jester asked.

Fjord's mind was blank. He had no lies left.

"Oh, I get it." Jester said. "Caleb told you about being stood up in the bathroom, and he is so sad that he wants to go home, and you promised to help him out." Jester reached over Nott, patting Caleb on the shoulder. "It's okay, Caleb, you can go home, we won't blame you."

"Really?" Caleb breathed, lifting his head.

"Wait." Beau said, glancing between Jester and Caleb. "Do you actually think-"

Fjord set down his menu. "Caleb, uh, I can take you back, if you need some company-"

"Yeah." Caleb said, setting down his menu and running his hand through his hair. "That would be great."

"Wait, guys, you-"

"Do you want any more company?" Molly asked. "Maybe we should move this gathering over there."

Caleb shook his head. "No, it's alright, you guys have fun, we'll see you later."

As he and Fjord stood, preparing to leave, Beau held up a hand. "Wait, wait, hold on, fuckers, why are we still pretending that Caleb and Fjord aren't dating?"

In the ensuing silence, Beau blinked at their stunned expressions. "Did we not know that? I thought we knew that. Did, did you guys not tell us, because I could've sworn you mentioned-"

"You're _dating_?" Nott and Jester shrieked in unison.

Fjord closed his eyes, slumping back into his seat.

"That explains everything!" Nott punctuated each word with wild gestures. "Fjord is the secret lover! Caleb was spending hours getting ready for him!"

"They told us they couldn't come because they both wanted to be on a date to this restaurant!" Jester said. Her eyes widened, and she gasped. "And Fjord tried to get Caleb out so that we wouldn't find out that they were sleeping together!"

"Not sleepin' together." Fjord protested weakly, opening his eyes.

"Did you two really not know?" Beau said, looking between Jester and Nott.

Jester and Nott shook their heads. "But now we know." Jester said, reaching out her hand to high five Nott. "Because you can't get anything past the two of us. We just cracked this case-"

"Excuse me." A well-dressed man with a managerial name badge stood behind Caleb, smiling at all of them. His smile was a little strained.

"Yes?" Jester said.

"We've had some complaints about your noise level." the manager said. "Could you please keep it down?"

"Yes, of course, of course we will." Fjord glared daggers at Jester and Nott. "We're very sorry about that, sir."

"Thank you." said the manager, leaving.

Caleb finally sat back down. For a moment, no one spoke.

"Hey, Jester, Nott, what were you about to say?" Molly asked.

"Molly..." Fjord began, but Jester and Nott were already grinning excitedly at each other.

"We just cracked this case," Nott began, and Jester joined her, "WIIIIIDE OPEEEN!"

* * *

"Sorry we got you kicked out of the restaurant on your date." Beau said when they were all standing in a circle under a streetlamp on the sidewalk outside. Fjord folded his arms with a grunt.

"So, uh, Fjord and I are dating, everyone." Caleb said. "You figured it out."

"Yes!" Jester said. "We knew it! We thought that you guys liked each other but we didn't want to say it because we wanted to respect your privacy but we knew it!" She began dancing, hands in the air.

"It's fine, right?" Caleb said, although his eyes were mostly on Nott.

"Yeah." Nott grinned. "I think it's great! I'm glad you two are sleeping together!"

"Not sleepin' together!" Fjord repeated, as Nott hugged Caleb. At the sight of Nott's hug and Jester's dance, however, his irritation softened a bit.

"Yeah, it's pretty fucking fantastic." said Molly. "Don't climb out of anymore restaurant windows, you two could hurt yourselves."

"Thanks." Fjord said.

Jester slowed to a stop. "Look, how about we all pay for another night at this restaurant if that's what you want. To make up for us technically sort of ruining this date."

"That would be nice." Caleb said. "Thank you."

As they walked down the street towards the parking deck, Jester bounced up behind Fjord. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

Fjord shrugged, face blank.

"Of course he's mad, we got him kicked out." said Beau, stepping up beside her.

"Oh." Jester said. "Because I only got us kicked out because I was so excited for you and now I don't want you to be mad at me."

Molly, a few feet ahead of them, chuckled. "She makes a compelling argument."

"I do, don't I?"

Ahead of them, Nott and Caleb were walking side-by-side, Nott talking excitedly to Caleb and holding his arm. Fjord eyed the two of them standing close together.

"Look, Jester, I won't be mad at you, on two conditions." Fjord said. He held up two fingers. "One. You follow through on payin' for that fancy date for Caleb and I, wherever we want. And two. You never ever talk about us sleepin' together, ever again."

"Not even if-" Jester began, and Beau clapped a hand over her mouth. Jester pushed her away. "Sorry. We have a deal."

"Same goes for you, Beau." Fjord said. "No matter if you think everyone knows."

Beau smiled, a bit sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Do I get a deal, too?" Molly asked.

"Nah." Fjord said, shaking his head. "You're just fucked."

The others' laughter echoed off the buildings surrounding them. Fjord supposed he should've considered it the worst date of his life, but, honestly, as he and Caleb broke off from the rest of the group, all Fjord thought about was spending more time with him.

He took Caleb's hand, and Caleb smiled down at their intertwined fingers. "Third date, huh."

"Third date." Fjord said, grinning.

"Nott's convincing the others to go out for yogurt." Caleb said. "We could go to my place, eat there."

"We sure could." Fjord said, and Caleb's smile made it all worth it, somehow.


End file.
